So, today is my Anniversary. My seventh, to be exact. It almost wasn’t. James and I got married seven years ago. Six years ago, our Bella was stillborn. Then we started on the merry (HA!) go round of hormones and medications and shots to try to get pregnant again…with no success. Then, I gave up. Well, rather, I gave up trying to do it ourselves. Sitting in the bathroom one day, I told God that if He wanted us to have another child, HE was going to have to do the work, because I was done. Two months later, Lillie was on the way. That began months of pregnancy hormones. Then after her birth, there was postpartum hormones and a nutty work schedule…then a layoff. And a foreclosure. And a bankruptcy. And I have depression. And bi-polar II. All this together? Not a good mix. Poor James took the brunt of it. Really, he still does. Back then, I wasn’t medicated right. At all. Nobody ever said “hey, if you have bi-polar II, you shouldn’t just take Prozac. You need something to go with it to keep it from setting your Bi-polar Ii nutso!” This would have been a good thing to know. Seriously. A really, really good thing to know. Did my psychiatrist mention this? The one who DIAGNOSED me as bi-polar II? Nope! Did my psychologist mention it? Nope. My regular, plain old GP doctor asked me in passing “have you ever been diagnosed as bi-polar II?” And suddenly my life changed.
It could have been too late. I had already told James I was done. I didn’t care enough to even try any more. God had blessed the broken road we had both traveled to reach each other…and I went and broke it again. I said the “D” word. Divorce.
God works in mysterious ways.
I needed several surgeries in the next year. How does that play into things? Well…James has great insurance, and I needed the insurance. I needed a hysterectomy and a repair of a bowel herniation. Then I needed my spine fused. Then I needed carpal-tunnel surgery on both wrists. It was like one thing after another after another! Looking at it at the time, you’d think “Jeez, this poor woman can’t catch a break!” Looking at it now, I think “thank GOD He kept breaking things in me, to give my meds time to work right! Thank GOD by the time it was all working right, my friends decided to move to Indiana and were willing to rent their house to us, and James was willing to move into the downstairs and we became close again.
Thank God James still loved (loves) me…even when I didn’t love myself.
We never take the time to look back. I’m always telling the girls when I’m walking with them, “look where you’re going, not where you’ve been” because they tend to turn around and walk backward, or dawdle or whatnot…but sometimes you HAVE to look backward and see how far you have come. If you only look at how far you have yet to go, it can get discouraging.
James and I still have a way to go. Maybe we’ll always have a way to go, just for different reasons at different times. Maybe that’s why people say marriage is work. I don’t know; I’ve never been in a marriage that worked out! All I know is, God blessed the broken road we were on before we got together, He blessed the road we were on together, He blessed it when I broke it again. As long as we keep our faith in Him, I reckon He’ll keep on blessing our road together.